The Sonpranos
by MrTennek
Summary: Goku gets himself entangled in the local mafia, and this is the story of the events which follow. Rated M for language and baloney discrimination.
1. Chapter One

The Sonpranos

(presented UNCUT)

-INTRO THEME SONG-

you woke up this morning got yourself a gun,  
mama always said you'd be the dumbest one

she said: you're short of an apple you've got to learn to shine but you were born under a full moon,  
with baloney in your eyes

you woke up this morning all the meat is gone,  
your Papa never told you about wearin' a thong (God, what was I thinking...)

but you're looking dumb, baby,  
I believe you're feeling fine, (shame about it,  
born under a full moon,  
with baloney in your eyes

you woke up this morning you're head was spinnin' around,  
thing's ain't been the same since the Brief's walked into town

but you're short of an apple you've got that dumbass shine born under a full moon,  
with baloney in your eyes

when you woke up this morning,  
when you woke up this morning,  
when you woke up this morning,  
mama said you'd be the dumbest one

when you woke up this morning,  
when you woke up this morning,  
when you woke up this morning,  
you got yourself a gun

(authors note: wow, that was horrific)

Goku - Hello, my name is Goku; Son Goku to be specific! (yegods, I actually used his 'real' name!) And this is the story of my life...My life with the mob. I know what you're thinking: the mob! How on Earth did a nice little innocent guy like me get involved with the mob? Well my friends, it's not a short story-- a very long one to be specific! One filled with angst, deceipt, treachery, and above all, lots of baloney! My story starts out in the not so far off past of 1982,  
when I had my first encounter with 'them', which would change my life...forever.

(1982, some random night-club)

Goku - (dancing to terrible disco with a huge afro and wearing a pink checkered suit) (stumbles backwards and knocks a tough looking guy over) Oh, geez, I'm really sorry! Heh, had a bit too much of the drinky-drinky tonight, if you know what I mean! Heh-- hic! Uh...Oh boy, that's not my hotdog that's all over your expensive looking suit is it?

Tough-Guy - (silently stares at Goku)

(moments later in the back alley behind the night-club)

Tough-Guy - (kicking the crap out of Goku)

Goku - OH JESUS! IT WAS JUST SOME KETCHUP AND MUSTARD! No wait-- Maybe it was mayo...Uh, I really can't remember now-- OH, THAT HURTS!

Goku - (looks around nervously) Uh...Heh...Maybe that wasn't the right year...or the right place...No, all that happened that night, from my sparse recollection, is getting the everloving shit kicked out of me and then getting thrown into a woodchipper; but I digress! Uh, let me see here...(looks through his papers) Er...Ah yes! Here it is! Silly me, it was the year 1986 when it happened! No wait, that can't be, that was the year I got my gender-change; hold on a minute.  
(continues looking) Oh for fu-- You know what, let's cut to a commercial and when we get back, we'll have all of this sorted out, huh?

(long silence)

Goku - (knocks his chair over) CUT TO A COMMERCIAL YOU MOTHERFU-

(moments and one beating of a crew-person later)

Goku - And we're back! And I now have the correct date: August 15th 2004! Seems I was only off by a little all along. (grins)

Director - Two decades is quite a bit.

Goku - ...It's...It's an easy mistake to make--

Director - How so?

Goku - I...You--...Let's have us another commercial, shall we?

(moments and one lynching later)

Goku - Alright, we're back AGAIN! Now, let's go back to that fateful night last summer when I had my first encounter with the mob! Roll it Sparky!

(long silence)

Sparky - Uh...The projector's broken...

Goku - (nearly in tears) Then let's just do a flashback for FRIGG'S SAKE!

Sparky - Alright. (throws a switch)

(August 15th 2004, The County Fair)

Goku - (licking a ridiculously huge cotton candy)

Vegeta - God, how did I get dragged along on this outing again!

Goku - Aw, don't be such a downer Vegeta, this is a fun place! Now, hold my cotton-candy for a moment while I go and freshen up!  
(throws the cotton candy at Vegeta and runs off)

Vegeta - (with the huge cotton candy thing stuck to his head)...

Goku - (whistling) (enters the restroom and looks 'surprised')

(two mob-thugs are beating some random guy senseless in the bathroom)

Goku - (stares at the thugs for a great deal of time) Huh. The brochure didn't say anything about a 'beating booth'. Guess I read it wrong. (proceeds to 'relieve' himself in a urinal while the two mob guys keep beating the guy up) So do I have to pay for this attraction or what? Cause I've got a bunch of carnival tickets right here that're supposed to be valid for most of the rides and--

Mob-Guy #1 - What the-- Are you talkin' to me?

Goku - I think so.

Mob-Guy #1 - Are you talkin' to me?

Goku - Yes.

Mob-Guy #1 - YOU'RE TALKIN' TO ME!

Goku - I...I don't remember anymore...

Mob-Guy #1 - (to his partner) Hey Joe, will you get a load of this wiseguy. He thinks that he can just prance in here, interrupt one of our anual 'beat-downs', and then walk out with no questions asked. Unbelieveable.

Mob-Guy #2 - (scoffs) Unreal.

Beaten Up Guy - Well that's just rude. (gets kicked in the ribs again)

Goku - What-- What're you guys gonna do to me!

Mob-Guy #1 - Well you have one of many choices. Firstly, we can beat you shitless and rob you blind; secondly, we can cover in cement and drop you off a cliff, or third, you can come work for us!

Goku - Work, eh? Eh, I've been kind of in need of a job for the past few decades so...What kind of benefits does it have?

Mob-Guy #2 - Oh, you can read all about them in this small and easy to read pamphlet! (hands Goku a slip of paper)

Goku - Wow! Medical and dental! You cover both at 100?

Mob-Guy #1 - You bet.

Goku - AND I get full mob protection from outsiders!

Mob-Guy #2 - Yeah, that's usually our biggest selling point.

Goku - You got yourself a customer! Consider me the newest addition to the mob!

Mob-Guy #1 - Well that's great...I don't know if I should be happy or...incredibly apathetic, but whatever! A new guy's a new guy!

Goku - Oh, this is great! I can't wait to see Chichi's reaction when she hears that I actually got a real job! (runs out of the bathroom screaming in joy like a madman)

Mob-Guy #2 - Why do I have the feeling that we just made the biggest mistake of our life.

(back outside)

Goku - (runs out) Hey Vegeta! Vegeta!

Vegeta - (with the cotton candy still stuck to his head) What...

Goku - You'll never believe what just happened to me in the bathroom!

Vegeta - Goku, if it's anything like your last little excursion involving toilet paper and certain Mr. 'Poopshoot', I don't wanna hear about it!

Goku - No, no, I-- Oh, thanks for holding onto that candy for me!

Vegeta - Yeah right. Whatever you do, don't pull it off my--

Goku - (rips the cotton candy off of Vegeta's head; taking half of his hair with it)

Vegeta - (bald) --head...

Goku - (licks the candy) Hey, that hair gel really adds a nice zest to it!

Vegeta - (face turns red and starts to buldge with veins) (pulls his sleeve up and prepares to beat the hell out of Goku)

Goku - Uh oh.

Mob-Guy #1 - (puts his hand on Vegeta's one shoulder)

Vegeta - What the-- Who the hell is this!

Goku - Oh, these are my new friends, Mr. and Mrs. Thug! Say hello!

Vegeta - What is the meaning of thi--

Mob-Guy #1 - Hey, you got a problem with this guy here?

Vegeta - If by 'this guy' you're referring to Goku, then yes, I DO!

Mob-Guy #2 - Oh, well, you see, then that's a problem for us. Cause, when some low-life like you decides that he's gonna give one our new guys some shit, we gotta step in.

Vegeta - One of 'your guys'!

Goku - (holds up a contract) Vegeta, I am now an official member of the North American mob. Isn't it just dandy!

Vegeta - (laughing hard) The mob! You! Wow, it must've be 'dumbass day' there for them to-- (gets pummelled into the ground by the two mob guys) AAAUUUUGGGHHHHH, MY NUTS!

Goku - Nuts? (looks through Vegeta's clothing) Ooooh, Mashuga-nuts! (starts eating the nuts and leaves) See ya around Vegie!

Vegeta - Those're my nuts Kakarott, I bought them at the count-- OW! MY EYE! MY NEWLY REPLACED EYE!

Goku - And yeah, that's basically how my story started. Candied treats, taking a leak, a fractured skull, and a bad reaction to fare-bought nuts. In the next installment, we'll take a look at the days and weeks that followed this first of many incedents. For tonight, I have been Son Goku, signing off. Oureirvadeurchi! (Jesus Christ, how do you spell that!)

To Be Continued!

AND THE MORAL OF THIS FIRST INSTALLMENT IZ: DON'T GET MAD OVER HAVING YOUR HAIR TORN OUT BY COTTON CANDY CAUSE YOU MIGHT GET BEATEN INTO THE GROUND AND HAVE YOUR NUTS STOLEN BY A BUNCH OF MOB-MEN! 


	2. Chapter Two

The Sonpranos - Chapter Two: First Few Days

Goku - Hello. As I'm sure you already know, my name is Son Goku. As we last left off, I had just had my first encounter with mob, I had been accepted into it, and Vegeta had had the bejeezus kicked out of him for messing with my cotton candy. Now, join me as I look back at the days which would follow; or as I would call it, 'The Early Years'...

Director - 'Early Years'? Why years? I mean, if it's just the first few days...

Goku - (clears his throat) (starts sweating and looking nervous) Um...I...(starts breathing into a paper bag frantically and hyper-  
ventilating)

(back in the story)

Goku - You know guys, you really didn't have to beat Vegeta into a coma, he was only kind of upset over me pulling his hair out!

Mob-Guy #1 - Don't worry about it 'Son Sticky-Fingers', let us take care of that sort of stuff.

Goku - 'Son Sticky-Fingers'? Wow, my very own mob name! My father would be so proud of me! (starts tearing up)

Mob-Guy #2 - Yeah that's just super. So far you've done well with the job...

Mob-Guy #1 - But don't screw up! Or else we'll make you regret it!

Goku - Huh, I wonder what that means?

(the next morning)

Goku - (wakes up in his bed and yawns) (pulls his sheets off revealing Chaotzu's severed head) AAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!  
Ewwwwwwwwww, Midget-juices! Or is that something else? (feels his underwear) No, definitely Midget-juice. Heh!

(later that day)

Vegeta - (in a full body cast in a hospital)

Doctor - Your husband should be coming out of his coma soon. After that, you'll be able to talk to him and--

Vegeta - (starts waking up) (groggily) Ka...Ka...?

Bulma - What? What is it dear?

Vegeta - (slurred) Kakar...ott...That stupid candy loving bastard, I'll kill him! I'll kill the lot of 'em! I'll kill...eugh...

Bulma - Goku? What about him?

Doctor - Miss, you have to understand that your husband received severe trauma to his head. What he says in no way reflects his true thoughts or feelings. He's simply out of it at the moment.

Vegeta - (out of it) My peanuts! THOSE WERE MY PEANUTS!

Doctor - Vegeta, please calm down or I'll have to sedate you even more!

Vegeta - Could you? Cause I'm kinda likin' this stuff you already got in me.

Bulma - Yeah, I've had a really stressful day as well, could I get some of that stuff too?

Doctor - Meet me in the back alley after night-fall.

(meanwhile, at the 'mob-quarters') (authors note: aren't I just a freakin' genius with titles?)

Mob-Guy #1 - Now, before we do anything else with you, you gotta meet the Don first!

Mob-Guy #2 - Yeah, Don Kami. He's off in his tower of crazy shit up in the sky right now.

Goku - Oh yeah, I know that guy! He's really involved in the mob!

Mob-Guy #1 - Oh yeah, he's the fricken mob-boss of all organized crime man! Come on, let me take you up there.

Mob-Guy #2 - Just don't piss him off. You don't wanna end up like his last lackey...Ugh...

(later on in the tower of crazy-ass shit) (authors note: hehehehe! swearing's fun! (grin))

Kami - Who is this little pathetic cockcroach that you brought before me today lackeys.

Mob-Guy #1 - Boss, this is Goku; our latest addition to the mob. Goku, introduce yourself to the Don.

Goku - (nervous) Um...(steps up) My name is Goku and...I LIKE BALONEY! (laughs insanely)

Kami - Baloney eh? Let me tell you something you little fuck.

Goku - (gulps)

Kami - Baloney don't fly in my mob; I won't have any of that mystery-meat shit around here! We clear? Cause if I see you with any of that crap, you gonna end up just like my former lackie Popo.

Goku - Wh...What happened to him?

Kami - I made him an offer he couldn't refuse...But he did...So I chopped him up real good.

Goku - Wow...That's really...frightening...(gulp and sweatdrop)

Kami - But hey, as long as you follow my rules and orders, and you don't screw around, nothin' bad'll happen to ya!

Goku - Huh, I wonder what that means.

(the next morning)

Goku - (yawns and pulls his bed covers off, revealing Popo's severed head) AAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! Not again!  
And I just washed these things yesterday.

(back at the 'mob-quarters')

Mob-Guy #2 - Alright Goku, so far you've been cool. You were good with the Don and you haven't screwed up once. But there's a little problem we're having.

Goku - What's that my crime-causing friend?

Mob-Guy #1 - Well, you gotta do us some favours. You see, you can't just work for the Mafia and never do anything.

Goku - Oh okay, I got ya. (pulls his pants down)

Mob-Guy #1 - NO! JESUS CHRIST, NOT THAT KIND OF FAVOUR!

Goku - Oh, whoops! (pulls his pants back up) Sorry, my err!

Mob-Guy #1 - Ugh...Anyways, before we do anything more for you, you gotta complete your 'mob-training'!

Goku - But I already filled out the brochures and the medical information, what more do ya want outta me!

Mob-Guy #2 - You still haven't done your first hit yet.

Goku - Hit?

Mob-Guy #1 - Yep. (hands Goku a paper) This guy has been a pain in the ass to us for years. He owes us a huge amount of money,  
he's always bitching about something, and he's insulted the Don!

Goku - (gasps) Not the Don!

Mob-Guy #2 - Yeah. And nobody insults Don Kami! Go to this address and see that this guy is taken care of. Capsisce!

(long awkward silence)

Goku - ...Capi--?

Mob-Guy #2 - DO YOU UNDERSTAND!

Goku - Yes sir! (runs off) (ends up tripping over a branch and landing face first on the ground)

Mob-Guys - ...

(moments later at the guys house)

Guy - (reading a newspaper)

Goku - (sneeks up to the guy)

Guy - (notices Goku)...Can I help y--

Goku - (slaps the guy lightly across the face) And let that be a lesson to ya!

(back at the mob-quarters)

Goku - (returns) Job done!

Mob-Guy #1 - So you whacked him?

Goku - Oh yeah, he won't be bothering you again, let me tell you that! That cheek of his is gonna be mighty sore for the next few...hours!

Mob-Guy #2 - (smacks his face and rubs it)

Mob-Guy #1 - Alright, maybe the whole 'hitting' thing isn't meant for you. There's plenty of other jobs you can do instead I guess.

Mob-Guy #2 - Right...(grins evilly)

Goku - (laughs nervously)

(later on)

Goku - Alright, remember Goku: must transport drugs illegally accross the border rectally. Don't forget! (walks up to the border-  
guard)

Border Guard - Passport please?

Goku - Here you are! (hands the guard a passport)

Border Guard - (glances over it) Alright then...Mr. Vegeta, you may pass. Have a nice day!

Goku - Hehehehehe, thanks. (walks through the border) (stomach noises) Oh God, I knew I shouldn't have had that sloppy joe before I left! Eugh, excuse me sir, where's the nearest bathroom?

(moments later)

Goku - Ah, that was a good poop! I feel 10 pounds lighter! Now then, what was I here to do again? Oh hell, I forget; couldn't have been anything important! (grins and leaves)

(not so long after at the hospital)

Bulma - Alright Vegeta, open your mouth, here comes the mashed-meat express!

Vegeta - FOR GOD'S SAKES BULMA, I CAN STILL FEED MYSELF!

Bulma - (shoves the spoon in Vegeta's mouth violently) Don't you take a tone with me mister! I've been here for the past few days busting my ass over you trying to help you get better! Now lighten up!

Vegeta - Yes mam...

Bulma - Now then, where did I put that can of creamed fru--

Police Officer - Excuse me, Mr. Briefs?

Vegeta - Uh yes...That's me...

Police Officer - Could you come with us please sir, we have a warrant here for your arrest.

Vegeta - My arrest! What the hell is the meaning of this, I've been stuck here in this bed for the past several days, what am I being arrested for!

Police Officer - For attempting to illegaly transport drugs across the border anally. Now sir, you can either come with us peacefully,  
or we will have no choice but to use force.

Vegeta - TRANSPORTING DRUGS! What the hell--

Police Officer - (pulling Vegeta off the bed) Come on sir, don't resist or I will make you regret it.

Vegeta - My whole body is broken you nincompoop! I couldn't move if I tried--

Police Officer - (starts tasering Vegeta) Suspect is not cooperating, resorting to lethal force.

Vegeta - (starting to smoke) OH GOD, BULMA HELP ME!

Bulma - (painting her nails and whistling to herself)

(back at the mob-quarters)

Mob-Guy #1 - Let's see now. You've screwed up two of your assignments. You lost us a gram of coke, and you've upset the Kami! The Don's not going to be very happy about thi--

Kami - (enters the room, kisses Goku long and hard, and then leaves)

Goku - Wow, that guy needs some mouthwash. Seriously, I mean like right now.

Mob-Guy #1 - Oh no!

Mob-Guy #2 - Shit, this guy's a gonner.

Goku - What! What happened?

Mob-Guy #1 - The Don just gave you the 'kiss of death'! You're dead pal.

Goku - Well, if it means death by bad breath that stinks like a bunch of rotting cheese in an overly hot used shoe factory run by a bunch of sweaty old Turks, then yes!

Announcer - What will happen next? Will Goku die? Will Vegeta go to prison? Will any more minor characters get their heads chopped off? Stay tuned for the next exhillerating installment of 'The Sonpranos'!

Author - So then kids, what's the moral of todays story?

Kids - Don't eat a sloppy joe before transporting illegal material accross the border rectally because you might put your friend in jail!

Author - Damned straight! (winks) 


End file.
